Clearing out my mind of all the junk inside.


I have recently come to terms with a lot of realities. I have thought long and hard about the movement of emotions I have had in the previous months and thought deeply about my reactions. I realise now I have treated my heart as a commodity - Giving it to those I felt needed its use, or wanted it enough that I was willing, out of guilt or depression, to give it. Now I realise my failure to stay as a fair woman to myself.

I have never regretted my exs. I have never regretted loving them. I loved my last lover - perhaps I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him enough to promise him my heart for good. It's a pity it didn't work out, but I think it did not live up the burning passion I had experienced previously in my lifetime.
My lover before that I fought for - until the end I fought hard and pained myself even though I suffered his lies, unfair treatment and neglect which at times I earned and most else did not deserve. Yet I never regretted a day I loved him.

Both men shared in common something I struggle to accommodate in myself - my weakness in affection that was taken advantage of, and their weakness and inability to understand my feelings. I don't really blame them for either action. Both where experiences that never warranted regret.

I realise something else too - regardless of how I've been responded to, after much consideration I realised that I can no longer blame myself for transpired events. I acted at the time with strength in a twisted and perverse way of knowing what I needed and moving to obtain it. I lost my sanity through those who moved through me before. I lost my confidence and security. But I saw a man who loved me, and whom I could love. I was promised - falsely but that is of no matter - a life with him and I took it. When he asked if I would love him until the end I said I would. I meant it - and I kept that promise in spite of myself until the end. How then, can I regret my actions, when they led to a love that meant it all to me? How can I hate myself when I - disgracefully or no - did what I did out of an opportunity of a chance at real love?

It would be foolish to do so - Didn't my previous experiences teach me - if tables turned the same would be done? Yes.. As due to recent events, all men I have known, can be said to have slaughtered the hearts of the faithful for the same. I wonder is it worth it? Only time will tell.